The feeling of "it" officially being OVER is a hard one to truly understand. In a toxic relationship, the feeling is usually a combination of relief, sadness and regret.
Relief because these relationships are draining. We are worn down from days of arguing, bargaining and general chaos. Almost addicted to the mania that this relationship created.
Sadness because we’ve lost something. No matter how much we want to convince ourselves that we are better off without (and make no mistake you are better off without) the relationship still leaves this gaping hole.
Regret because we do not know if the right decision was made. Maybe we regret ever forming this relationship, knowing now that it would end in sheer chaos. Or maybe, we regret ending it, thinking that we can give them one more chance, and this time it will be different.
Here’s what you do with each of those feelings: acknowledge them, recognize that they are temporary and move through them. Certainly, easier said than done, but we have to lay the framework and have a goal in mind for healing following the end of this relationship.
There are 4 manageable steps you can take to heal after the end of a toxic relationship. Outlined below, each step has a task you can begin to do until you feel emotionally healed and are ready to emerge a fully formed, ever-evolving version of yourself.
If you have find yourself emotionally and physically linked to someone who was more of a subtraction than an addition to your life, getting over the relationship is harder than it should be and Belle Âme is ready to help.
At the end of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we tend to view it looking back with rose colored glasses. The good times lasted longer, the arguments were shorter, the kisses –more passionate and the painful moments don’t seem as heartbreaking.
Removing these glasses is the first step in healing, then we have to take an honest look at the relationship. Answer the following questions, write them down if it helps.
Why did the relationship end?
What was the first sign that this was not going to last?
What was the final straw?
When did you first think the relationship was going to end? Why?
Review your answers. Is that really something you want to still be a part of? You’ve survived this relationship so you are stronger and wiser then when you were in it. Keep that in mind.
Recognize that you also played a role in the downfall of the relationship. There is enough blame to go around about why a relationship ends, but do not be quick to shift blame on to one person: yourself, your partner or a third-party.
If this relationship was nothing else, it was a learning opportunity. As mentioned, you have grown from who you were during the beginning of a relationship to where you are now. Do not let any moment in life or any interaction with someone pass by without learning something from that relationship.
We can't change what has already happened, we cannot reverse the nights we’ve lost to arguments or tears we’ve cried. So, we can accept it for what it is, a segment, a microcosm of a larger story, your story.
Think of three things you learned from this relationship, write them down if it helps. Did you learn something about:
The lesson you should take away should be a positive lesson rather than a negative one.
For example, instead of the lesson being: “All people are liars and cheaters.”
The lesson is: “Things are not always as simple as what people make them to be, we have to believe a person’s actions before blindly relying on what is said”.
We don’t have to put up new walls, but we do need to be more vigilant. Being in a bad relationship teaches us countless lessons and it is only worth learning if we actually take our new found knowledge and apply it to our new lives.
Get Back to Basics
It may not feel like it now, but the end of a relationship is a wonderful thing. Sure, someone who we’ve grown to depend on is gone, but that just means we can get back to ourselves.
Is there something you’ve been dying to try, but didn’t because you thought your partner wouldn’t approve or you knew they wouldn’t enjoy it? Now you can do whatever it is and move forward refusing to compromise any piece of yourself.
Maybe at the beginning of this last relationship you thought you had to play a certain role and had an understanding of what someone in that role is supposed to do. Abandon tradition and what’s expected and embrace every facet of who you are. Nothing about this life is normal and nothing about your life should be muted to make others comfortable or to fit in a space you do not belong.
Getting back to basics is all about getting back in touch with yourself and being selfish as hell about it.
Know that however you are feeling and the subsequent pain of the end of this relationship won’t last. You will get on the other side of this. Your mind will take you back through memories, but with time on our side we can take back control. Start here:
Don’t take the end of the relationship to mean the beginning of a friendship. Allow a significant amount of time to pass before you decide to start hanging out again as “friends”.
Get rid of relationship mementos: Delete all photos, videos and even the thread of messages you have with your ex.
Create a fun personal goal for yourself based on what you already like to do.
Looking ahead is more about not looking back than pining for the future. Follow all three steps and don't make excuses. For healing to truly begin, you have to create a level of separation between you and your old life. Create distance between you and your ex, delete the old photos and begin formulating new goals for your life.
We have to decide to move beyond our past, so we can start to appreciate who we are in the present moment and who we will become in the future.
If you truly are fighting to feel whole after the end of a relationship, use the resources in the Task Box as your next step towards healing. If you have more questions or want suggestions on how to turn your negative lesson into a positive one, reach out to us here or email us directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.